"Fitting In"

Just an update of the big university life...

I've just really come to the conclusion that things are never going to work out for me. I have always had so much trouble fitting in and I don't know what to do. And like I'm not self conscience about my looks; its all on my personality. Like in high school, I always struggled with feel accepted and knowing whether people liked me. And the older I get the more I realize that no matter where you go or what you do, people are never going to like me. For example, Mrs. Ghilcrest (sp?) gave almost everyone in our grade twelve calculus class a going away present, except me. And the saddest part of it is that I was the only person that bought her something but I was too ashamed to give it to her after I found out everyone else in the class got something. And I wanted to give it her so badly because I knew how much she would love it (a Beatles cookie jar) but it just hurt so badly. The thing is, it wasn't like she simply forgot about me, she deliberately didn't get me anything, when all the other kids got their things it was so secretive and like they didn't want to talk about it in front of me. It's like there's always some clique that I'm not apart of - like for christ's sake, she's a 70 year old woman and she has to go out of her way to make me feel this way. Like there was 20 people in the class, you think instead of getting something for 19 of the kids you couldn't just make it that extra one. And of course I would find out, how could I not. And that just, it just, really hurt... and I've never told anyone that.

And it was the same thing all through out high school. Some sort of stupid fucking clique and I just never could get it right. Sadly, the entire time I was in high school, I got through it by always thinking about how different it would be once I got out of that town and finally got to University. I always just thought it was that stupid small town and that stupid high school. That's how I got through it. But now I've realized that's only the sad beginning, and I don't know how to get through it now, I don't.

In Lister, I feel like they all get along and I just don't fit in; I don't know how to talk to them. I have absolutely no confidence in my personality that I can't even strike up conversations. I can't even look up at them when I walk by them. And they're not even assholes like how the kids were in high school. I just can't seem to 'fit in'. And I hate it, I fucking hate it. It just makes me hate myself even more, like I can't even talk with people and I don't know why. It's like highschool has completely ruined me and my confidence. But what's even sadder, is these 'cliques' never ever end, and if you're not prepared to deal with them, your life will never amount to much. And then you realize its even in your family. Like Lisa was up from Austrailia, and all of the cousins went out twice, without inviting me and Jackie. Like we're both of age, we both live in Edmonton; what gives you the right not to invite us? Fuck you, is all I have to say. You do your best to make us feel inadequite, well job well done. And when we did go to the supper, nobody talked to us or included us in anything. Like can you go anywhere to get away from it all or is it just human nature?

I used to always think I had a fire inside of me, burning and lighting everywhere I went. I used to walk into a room and light it up and feel good about myself. But i can feel it dwindling and almost out. But there's no where to go, no way to fix it, because I've realized you'll never escape the complexities of 'fitting in' (not even within your own family). I just don't know what to do anymore... There's no way to get away from it, absolutely no way. I haven't felt this much darkness and sadness since I was little and I have all these tormented memories of wanting to end my life. And I feel like I'm regressing to this state, but now there's nothing to even look forward to because it never ever ever ends....