Hello there,
Here's the update on the life. So as you can tell, I only write when I have a problem I want to talk through and can't seem to do that with another person. Well let's start with the Cam...
He is such a terrific guy. I have never and I mean NEVER had a boyfriend treat me with such respect and care. Like he would do anything for me and I'm very in love with him. But on the other hand every other aspect of him is wrong. First and foremost; he's 26. And the age thing does really annoy me, I wish it didn't, but it inevitably does. And then, his life is on a fast track to no where. He's a welder's helper making only eighteen dollars an hour. I'm pressuring him to go to school, but I'm doubting he ever will. And the fact that he's settled with being a welder's helper erks me soooo much. Cam's home life is a disaster. He lives with this guy named Eric. Eric has 2 dogs and 2 cats and the house is absolutely disgusting; how can Cam be alright with living there? And then in his spare time, his only interest is drinking and partying. And he's 26, are these things ever going to change? We've been fighting a lot over these things, and I wish he would just show some incentive towards changing.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
It's time for a New Year...
So after a brief look at last year's resolutions I can happily say my resolutions are much more mature and MUCH MORE insightful to the person I am and want to become. The theme of 2011 is "I AM WORTHY!" Let's hope I can also follow these "conclusively".
1. Stop caring about weight and looks. And start concentrating on what my body CAN do and health. Worry less about how others perceive me and worry about how I perceive myself. That is what is most important. The people who will truly love you, will love you even if you are ten pounds heavier than what you would like to be. Which leads into...
2. Stop caring and internalizing others opinions of myself. Not everyone has to like you and not everyone will, but you need to like yourself before anyone can like you. If people don't like you in Valleyview, what does it matter? I'm not going to be coming back here for much longer, so don't let all the people get to you! I know it's hard to understand and comprehend that people can hate you for absolutely nothing, but you DON'T have to understand and you can be happy that you're not them. Because the people I hate and try and make them feel bad, I know exactly why I hate them and as do they.
3. Don't let people take advantage of you. Stand up for yourself; you are worthy! People are no more important than you are. You deserve things just as much as they do, so why stand in the back?
4. Make new friends; go out of your way to do it. People aren't always going to find you so you have to go and find them. Remember, when people first meet you, they are often smitten with you're charm; why would that change now? You just aren't giving them a chance to get to know you.
5. Date guys who care about you, and are willing to put in the effort. Don't stay just because it's easier to have someone around. Loneliness should never take precedence over what your deserve. I have a lot to offer and I should settle for people who also have a lot to offer.
I think I'm going to stop here, wish you the best this year! <3
1. Stop caring about weight and looks. And start concentrating on what my body CAN do and health. Worry less about how others perceive me and worry about how I perceive myself. That is what is most important. The people who will truly love you, will love you even if you are ten pounds heavier than what you would like to be. Which leads into...
2. Stop caring and internalizing others opinions of myself. Not everyone has to like you and not everyone will, but you need to like yourself before anyone can like you. If people don't like you in Valleyview, what does it matter? I'm not going to be coming back here for much longer, so don't let all the people get to you! I know it's hard to understand and comprehend that people can hate you for absolutely nothing, but you DON'T have to understand and you can be happy that you're not them. Because the people I hate and try and make them feel bad, I know exactly why I hate them and as do they.
3. Don't let people take advantage of you. Stand up for yourself; you are worthy! People are no more important than you are. You deserve things just as much as they do, so why stand in the back?
4. Make new friends; go out of your way to do it. People aren't always going to find you so you have to go and find them. Remember, when people first meet you, they are often smitten with you're charm; why would that change now? You just aren't giving them a chance to get to know you.
5. Date guys who care about you, and are willing to put in the effort. Don't stay just because it's easier to have someone around. Loneliness should never take precedence over what your deserve. I have a lot to offer and I should settle for people who also have a lot to offer.
I think I'm going to stop here, wish you the best this year! <3
Sunday, November 7, 2010
"Fitting In"
Just an update of the big university life...
I've just really come to the conclusion that things are never going to work out for me. I have always had so much trouble fitting in and I don't know what to do. And like I'm not self conscience about my looks; its all on my personality. Like in high school, I always struggled with feel accepted and knowing whether people liked me. And the older I get the more I realize that no matter where you go or what you do, people are never going to like me. For example, Mrs. Ghilcrest (sp?) gave almost everyone in our grade twelve calculus class a going away present, except me. And the saddest part of it is that I was the only person that bought her something but I was too ashamed to give it to her after I found out everyone else in the class got something. And I wanted to give it her so badly because I knew how much she would love it (a Beatles cookie jar) but it just hurt so badly. The thing is, it wasn't like she simply forgot about me, she deliberately didn't get me anything, when all the other kids got their things it was so secretive and like they didn't want to talk about it in front of me. It's like there's always some clique that I'm not apart of - like for christ's sake, she's a 70 year old woman and she has to go out of her way to make me feel this way. Like there was 20 people in the class, you think instead of getting something for 19 of the kids you couldn't just make it that extra one. And of course I would find out, how could I not. And that just, it just, really hurt... and I've never told anyone that.
And it was the same thing all through out high school. Some sort of stupid fucking clique and I just never could get it right. Sadly, the entire time I was in high school, I got through it by always thinking about how different it would be once I got out of that town and finally got to University. I always just thought it was that stupid small town and that stupid high school. That's how I got through it. But now I've realized that's only the sad beginning, and I don't know how to get through it now, I don't.
In Lister, I feel like they all get along and I just don't fit in; I don't know how to talk to them. I have absolutely no confidence in my personality that I can't even strike up conversations. I can't even look up at them when I walk by them. And they're not even assholes like how the kids were in high school. I just can't seem to 'fit in'. And I hate it, I fucking hate it. It just makes me hate myself even more, like I can't even talk with people and I don't know why. It's like highschool has completely ruined me and my confidence. But what's even sadder, is these 'cliques' never ever end, and if you're not prepared to deal with them, your life will never amount to much. And then you realize its even in your family. Like Lisa was up from Austrailia, and all of the cousins went out twice, without inviting me and Jackie. Like we're both of age, we both live in Edmonton; what gives you the right not to invite us? Fuck you, is all I have to say. You do your best to make us feel inadequite, well job well done. And when we did go to the supper, nobody talked to us or included us in anything. Like can you go anywhere to get away from it all or is it just human nature?
I used to always think I had a fire inside of me, burning and lighting everywhere I went. I used to walk into a room and light it up and feel good about myself. But i can feel it dwindling and almost out. But there's no where to go, no way to fix it, because I've realized you'll never escape the complexities of 'fitting in' (not even within your own family). I just don't know what to do anymore... There's no way to get away from it, absolutely no way. I haven't felt this much darkness and sadness since I was little and I have all these tormented memories of wanting to end my life. And I feel like I'm regressing to this state, but now there's nothing to even look forward to because it never ever ever ends....
I've just really come to the conclusion that things are never going to work out for me. I have always had so much trouble fitting in and I don't know what to do. And like I'm not self conscience about my looks; its all on my personality. Like in high school, I always struggled with feel accepted and knowing whether people liked me. And the older I get the more I realize that no matter where you go or what you do, people are never going to like me. For example, Mrs. Ghilcrest (sp?) gave almost everyone in our grade twelve calculus class a going away present, except me. And the saddest part of it is that I was the only person that bought her something but I was too ashamed to give it to her after I found out everyone else in the class got something. And I wanted to give it her so badly because I knew how much she would love it (a Beatles cookie jar) but it just hurt so badly. The thing is, it wasn't like she simply forgot about me, she deliberately didn't get me anything, when all the other kids got their things it was so secretive and like they didn't want to talk about it in front of me. It's like there's always some clique that I'm not apart of - like for christ's sake, she's a 70 year old woman and she has to go out of her way to make me feel this way. Like there was 20 people in the class, you think instead of getting something for 19 of the kids you couldn't just make it that extra one. And of course I would find out, how could I not. And that just, it just, really hurt... and I've never told anyone that.
And it was the same thing all through out high school. Some sort of stupid fucking clique and I just never could get it right. Sadly, the entire time I was in high school, I got through it by always thinking about how different it would be once I got out of that town and finally got to University. I always just thought it was that stupid small town and that stupid high school. That's how I got through it. But now I've realized that's only the sad beginning, and I don't know how to get through it now, I don't.
In Lister, I feel like they all get along and I just don't fit in; I don't know how to talk to them. I have absolutely no confidence in my personality that I can't even strike up conversations. I can't even look up at them when I walk by them. And they're not even assholes like how the kids were in high school. I just can't seem to 'fit in'. And I hate it, I fucking hate it. It just makes me hate myself even more, like I can't even talk with people and I don't know why. It's like highschool has completely ruined me and my confidence. But what's even sadder, is these 'cliques' never ever end, and if you're not prepared to deal with them, your life will never amount to much. And then you realize its even in your family. Like Lisa was up from Austrailia, and all of the cousins went out twice, without inviting me and Jackie. Like we're both of age, we both live in Edmonton; what gives you the right not to invite us? Fuck you, is all I have to say. You do your best to make us feel inadequite, well job well done. And when we did go to the supper, nobody talked to us or included us in anything. Like can you go anywhere to get away from it all or is it just human nature?
I used to always think I had a fire inside of me, burning and lighting everywhere I went. I used to walk into a room and light it up and feel good about myself. But i can feel it dwindling and almost out. But there's no where to go, no way to fix it, because I've realized you'll never escape the complexities of 'fitting in' (not even within your own family). I just don't know what to do anymore... There's no way to get away from it, absolutely no way. I haven't felt this much darkness and sadness since I was little and I have all these tormented memories of wanting to end my life. And I feel like I'm regressing to this state, but now there's nothing to even look forward to because it never ever ever ends....
Monday, October 4, 2010
My life
WOW! I haven't blogged in forever. That's a good thing though because all of my blogs are sad and depressing so that means life must be going good. :) I'm at the U of A in my first year, living in Lister. University is very tough and tiring. I really hope its worth it in the end. I get very lonely here, like yeah I have friends and everything, but they're not my real friends; not the people I can tell everything too. I really miss Cheeto and I hope more than anything he's being treated right. I'm exhausted from all the work I do, but some how I am managing with minimal breakdowns LOL.
Last week I went to L.A. to see Jay Leno and Ellen, as well as going to Disneyland. I shopped like crazy though! It was a very good trip minus Auntie Theresea, but lets try and keep things positive here! I'm behind in school and need to get my ass in some serious gear.
I'm still dating Cam and I presume things to be going very well. This is my first relationship that I've felt genuinely happy. I think about him all the time and I'm pretty sure he does the same. I miss him like crazy tho! Really wish he could come up more. We say "I love you" and I do truely feel it. I haven't felt like this since Mikey - but this is minus the abusive overtones. I hope he moves here and we can really start getting to know each other and spending more time together. I haven't felt this kind of attraction and that 'have to have you' kind of feeling for ages.
But anyways, thought I'd give a little update since I haven't in so long. I have a 51 page essay to read so I'm gonna get off here now. Bye love!
Ps. Over Austin, he's back with Noelani, and I can see him for the scum that he is. He tried to sleep together for the last month of school but I refrained all the while being with lani. God can I be happy I'm over that ugly unemployed selfish fat fuck :) and have moved on to sexy, considerate, interesting, self motivated Cam :)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Hmm so where to start...
Really nothing interesting has been happening in my life. Sadly still no call from Cameron. Been talking to Austin a bit but I dunno... He keeps being all I miss you and whatever, and when i think about it... I really don't miss him. I miss the lies when I still believed in them, and the person I thought he was but essentially once everything came out, I sure as shit don't miss it. I don't miss the secrecy or him just completely ignoring me. And really he's not even overly good looking, wtf do I see in him. LOL. He doesn't have a job, he has a child, bums off everyone, steals and lies. Hmmm real good choice. God I wish Cameron would have called! haha oh well though..
So this past weekend my parents went camping. On Friday, I went with Sarah, Kels, Shawn and Mitchell to GP. We watched Sex In the City and I was sadly disapointed in that movie. (Speak of the devil Aus just texted me lol). We came home and Morgan, Sarah and I popped the fucking best tabs in the world! :) We literally danced for 4 hours straight... haha fun shit fo sho. But then I started to get a bit too messed up and went to bed. And then Morgan did it with Kelby -absolute randomly) in my bed. Slightly not too impressed with that... I don't know why she doesn't demand more respect from boys. Then we had e hangover syndrome the next day and didn't do a damn thing. Later that night a bunch of people came over and I proceeded to get pleasantly intoxicated lol. We decorated the night with a solid two hour round of "Would you suck it.." HAHAHA such a good game. Then the next day the parents came home and all fun over.
This weeks been off to a slow start. Yesterday I cut the grass, worked and went for a run. Successfully managed to get a blister... ontop of another blister. Terrific, I'd say. And today school, work and ended it off with dancing in the talent show. But anyhow I'm off, till another day fair friend...
Really nothing interesting has been happening in my life. Sadly still no call from Cameron. Been talking to Austin a bit but I dunno... He keeps being all I miss you and whatever, and when i think about it... I really don't miss him. I miss the lies when I still believed in them, and the person I thought he was but essentially once everything came out, I sure as shit don't miss it. I don't miss the secrecy or him just completely ignoring me. And really he's not even overly good looking, wtf do I see in him. LOL. He doesn't have a job, he has a child, bums off everyone, steals and lies. Hmmm real good choice. God I wish Cameron would have called! haha oh well though..
So this past weekend my parents went camping. On Friday, I went with Sarah, Kels, Shawn and Mitchell to GP. We watched Sex In the City and I was sadly disapointed in that movie. (Speak of the devil Aus just texted me lol). We came home and Morgan, Sarah and I popped the fucking best tabs in the world! :) We literally danced for 4 hours straight... haha fun shit fo sho. But then I started to get a bit too messed up and went to bed. And then Morgan did it with Kelby -absolute randomly) in my bed. Slightly not too impressed with that... I don't know why she doesn't demand more respect from boys. Then we had e hangover syndrome the next day and didn't do a damn thing. Later that night a bunch of people came over and I proceeded to get pleasantly intoxicated lol. We decorated the night with a solid two hour round of "Would you suck it.." HAHAHA such a good game. Then the next day the parents came home and all fun over.
This weeks been off to a slow start. Yesterday I cut the grass, worked and went for a run. Successfully managed to get a blister... ontop of another blister. Terrific, I'd say. And today school, work and ended it off with dancing in the talent show. But anyhow I'm off, till another day fair friend...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
So this past weekend was May long weekend. It certainly had its ups and downs that's for sure! I started it out on Thursday by going to the bar with Morgan. I got super hammered and somehow figured it was a good idea to Austin's house. And well one thing lead to another and we ended up doing the dirty haha. But then all of a sudden Evan bursts in and went fucking psycho. I've never even seen anyone act like that! He was throwing shit and hacking not only Austin but me as well. He even woke up Simone to inform her of what we were doing. Like wtf who does that?!? And then he full out brawled Austin. Worst night of life I swear to God! Anyways I don't even want to go into more detail about that retarded night. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
But then Friday night was amazing! Me and Morgan went to the zoo and Cam was there. We hung out at the bar and like flirted all night and stuff. HAHA we even made out in front of Austin... Oopsie! LOL! And then I went to the HIV. Then me and Morgan went to the newfies house. But I don't really like those guys so I wanted to go home. Ty and 'G Holla' were gonna walk me home but then Cam called me! :) We hung out till like 5:30 in the morning! He's like so cool and super sweet. And he seemed really into me, but hasn't called? So I'm kinda like wtf?! Like he said he wanted to ask me out and like just said a whole bunch of really sweet stuff. But maybe he just talks a good talk? But I guess he told Clinton gang about me? So who knows... I hope he calls... lol
I've been working out a lot lately... starting to see some big changes in my body. I'm down to 137 pounds. I'm hoping for 130 by grad :) That would be like dream weight. But I'm out... I'll let ya know when something exciting happens haha
But then Friday night was amazing! Me and Morgan went to the zoo and Cam was there. We hung out at the bar and like flirted all night and stuff. HAHA we even made out in front of Austin... Oopsie! LOL! And then I went to the HIV. Then me and Morgan went to the newfies house. But I don't really like those guys so I wanted to go home. Ty and 'G Holla' were gonna walk me home but then Cam called me! :) We hung out till like 5:30 in the morning! He's like so cool and super sweet. And he seemed really into me, but hasn't called? So I'm kinda like wtf?! Like he said he wanted to ask me out and like just said a whole bunch of really sweet stuff. But maybe he just talks a good talk? But I guess he told Clinton gang about me? So who knows... I hope he calls... lol
I've been working out a lot lately... starting to see some big changes in my body. I'm down to 137 pounds. I'm hoping for 130 by grad :) That would be like dream weight. But I'm out... I'll let ya know when something exciting happens haha
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
So last weekend was prom. I had a fucking blast!!! Totally got prom queen! :) :) Definitely was not expecting to though. So once I was ready Calvenn came over and we went to pictures with like the grad class. And that was alright... It's just like all of my old friends -Paul, Tom, Cass, etc- all got pictures together. And they never invited me. And while we were there I just really came to the realization that out of my grade I really never made any close friends. I can't help but wonder, was it me that never allowed myself to become close with any of them? Or, did they just not want anything to do with me? I think always looking back over high school, I'll never understand what really did happen there. But whatever, I see the way they treat people around them and I know if I was close with all of them I would be the same. It's not their lack of ambitions that makes me ... look down on them for lack of a better phrase... It's the way they all put others down, just to temporarily boost their ego... and forever damaging someone else's. And after being on the damaged side, I can happily say I never purposely do that to anyone. When I was at prom party, I wore my tiara and sash. And apparently Cass was just bitching about how I won it and she didn't, and that I shouldn't be showing off at the party with it. And that just said everything. It's basically a popularity contest, right? Like the kids vote on it. I would never, ever put someone else down for getting prom queen. I would congratulate the person and not think twice about it. And that just shows the kind of person Cass and those type of people are... and that's why they never got it.
But it still upsets me, you know, like not one of those people asked to get a picture with me. I wonder if any of them even thought about it. God I just can't wait to get out of high school... I'll be so much happier when its all over. And all my self doubts will end...
But anyways, enough of this depressing shit... I've got a lot to write out...
So at prom I had a total blast. I was hammered beyond recognition, but I'm happy I was. Cause I felt truly happy at it. Last year I can remember just feeling so... so... bad. And crying in the bathroom. I felt like everyone was making fun of me and my dress. And this year it wasn't like that at all. And if they were acting like that, I was just too drunk to notice. And then we went to prom party. That was a blast too. I spent the entire night talking to Cameron which eventually led to making out. He seems like such a cool guy... much more mature and respectful than any guy I know. But then I'm just really confused now. Cause he called me Sunday night and said he wanted to hang out Monday. Monday rolled around and he never called. Then on Tuesday he called and said we should chill tonight, and again he never called. But everytime I've talked to him, he's like been super sweet, so like why is he doing this? Who knows? So we'll see if he calls tomorrow and if not, maybe I'll call him...
And Austin update... not too sure how much I've been keeping you updated lately. He told me he didn't want to go to prom, we all suspect he was back with Lani but he never admitted it. I pretty much had a break down after he said no to prom - in the bathroom at school, apparently I cry a lot in there lol- and I swore to myself I would never, ever, ever, in a million years, go back to him. So he's been trying to talk to me more. And last night he's all I miss you, pulling that bullshit. And like I honestly believe he was back with Lani and that's why he didn't want to go to prom. She probably just fucked another one of his friends and he found out. Which conveniantly for her, happened right around prom. So I just get the shaft end of the stick. I still highly believe I would never have anything to do with Austin again. Like giving him what a 3rd or 4th chance now.. that's not fair to me. The prom thing just like really cut me deep... Just typing this is bringing tears to my eyes. It's just a repeat of last year with Calvin Slemp. But anyways Austin was feeding me all these lines and I basically told him I was over him and had met someone else. He responded by basically calling me slut. And you know what, fuck him. That's how I feel... He single-handedly ruined this year for me. I'm just stupid if I ever had anything with him again. So in a couple weeks I hope you read this and remember that!
But it still upsets me, you know, like not one of those people asked to get a picture with me. I wonder if any of them even thought about it. God I just can't wait to get out of high school... I'll be so much happier when its all over. And all my self doubts will end...
But anyways, enough of this depressing shit... I've got a lot to write out...
So at prom I had a total blast. I was hammered beyond recognition, but I'm happy I was. Cause I felt truly happy at it. Last year I can remember just feeling so... so... bad. And crying in the bathroom. I felt like everyone was making fun of me and my dress. And this year it wasn't like that at all. And if they were acting like that, I was just too drunk to notice. And then we went to prom party. That was a blast too. I spent the entire night talking to Cameron which eventually led to making out. He seems like such a cool guy... much more mature and respectful than any guy I know. But then I'm just really confused now. Cause he called me Sunday night and said he wanted to hang out Monday. Monday rolled around and he never called. Then on Tuesday he called and said we should chill tonight, and again he never called. But everytime I've talked to him, he's like been super sweet, so like why is he doing this? Who knows? So we'll see if he calls tomorrow and if not, maybe I'll call him...
And Austin update... not too sure how much I've been keeping you updated lately. He told me he didn't want to go to prom, we all suspect he was back with Lani but he never admitted it. I pretty much had a break down after he said no to prom - in the bathroom at school, apparently I cry a lot in there lol- and I swore to myself I would never, ever, ever, in a million years, go back to him. So he's been trying to talk to me more. And last night he's all I miss you, pulling that bullshit. And like I honestly believe he was back with Lani and that's why he didn't want to go to prom. She probably just fucked another one of his friends and he found out. Which conveniantly for her, happened right around prom. So I just get the shaft end of the stick. I still highly believe I would never have anything to do with Austin again. Like giving him what a 3rd or 4th chance now.. that's not fair to me. The prom thing just like really cut me deep... Just typing this is bringing tears to my eyes. It's just a repeat of last year with Calvin Slemp. But anyways Austin was feeding me all these lines and I basically told him I was over him and had met someone else. He responded by basically calling me slut. And you know what, fuck him. That's how I feel... He single-handedly ruined this year for me. I'm just stupid if I ever had anything with him again. So in a couple weeks I hope you read this and remember that!
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