So last weekend was prom. I had a fucking blast!!! Totally got prom queen! :) :) Definitely was not expecting to though. So once I was ready Calvenn came over and we went to pictures with like the grad class. And that was alright... It's just like all of my old friends -Paul, Tom, Cass, etc- all got pictures together. And they never invited me. And while we were there I just really came to the realization that out of my grade I really never made any close friends. I can't help but wonder, was it me that never allowed myself to become close with any of them? Or, did they just not want anything to do with me? I think always looking back over high school, I'll never understand what really did happen there. But whatever, I see the way they treat people around them and I know if I was close with all of them I would be the same. It's not their lack of ambitions that makes me ... look down on them for lack of a better phrase... It's the way they all put others down, just to temporarily boost their ego... and forever damaging someone else's. And after being on the damaged side, I can happily say I never purposely do that to anyone. When I was at prom party, I wore my tiara and sash. And apparently Cass was just bitching about how I won it and she didn't, and that I shouldn't be showing off at the party with it. And that just said everything. It's basically a popularity contest, right? Like the kids vote on it. I would never, ever put someone else down for getting prom queen. I would congratulate the person and not think twice about it. And that just shows the kind of person Cass and those type of people are... and that's why they never got it.

But it still upsets me, you know, like not one of those people asked to get a picture with me. I wonder if any of them even thought about it. God I just can't wait to get out of high school... I'll be so much happier when its all over. And all my self doubts will end...

But anyways, enough of this depressing shit... I've got a lot to write out...

So at prom I had a total blast. I was hammered beyond recognition, but I'm happy I was. Cause I felt truly happy at it. Last year I can remember just feeling so... so... bad. And crying in the bathroom. I felt like everyone was making fun of me and my dress. And this year it wasn't like that at all. And if they were acting like that, I was just too drunk to notice. And then we went to prom party. That was a blast too. I spent the entire night talking to Cameron which eventually led to making out. He seems like such a cool guy... much more mature and respectful than any guy I know. But then I'm just really confused now. Cause he called me Sunday night and said he wanted to hang out Monday. Monday rolled around and he never called. Then on Tuesday he called and said we should chill tonight, and again he never called. But everytime I've talked to him, he's like been super sweet, so like why is he doing this? Who knows? So we'll see if he calls tomorrow and if not, maybe I'll call him...

And Austin update... not too sure how much I've been keeping you updated lately. He told me he didn't want to go to prom, we all suspect he was back with Lani but he never admitted it. I pretty much had a break down after he said no to prom - in the bathroom at school, apparently I cry a lot in there lol- and I swore to myself I would never, ever, ever, in a million years, go back to him. So he's been trying to talk to me more. And last night he's all I miss you, pulling that bullshit. And like I honestly believe he was back with Lani and that's why he didn't want to go to prom. She probably just fucked another one of his friends and he found out. Which conveniantly for her, happened right around prom. So I just get the shaft end of the stick. I still highly believe I would never have anything to do with Austin again. Like giving him what a 3rd or 4th chance now.. that's not fair to me. The prom thing just like really cut me deep... Just typing this is bringing tears to my eyes. It's just a repeat of last year with Calvin Slemp. But anyways Austin was feeding me all these lines and I basically told him I was over him and had met someone else. He responded by basically calling me slut. And you know what, fuck him. That's how I feel... He single-handedly ruined this year for me. I'm just stupid if I ever had anything with him again. So in a couple weeks I hope you read this and remember that!