You ever think about how little of time we actually have and how much we waste. Say you live to a hundred, you have 35 500 days on Earth. and for lets say the last five and first five, you're not really that coherent, so you have 32 850 days on this earth. And thats if you live to be pretty damn old. We never know exactly how many we will have, today could be the end for all I know. And I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted so much time - on certain people and doing certain things. I want to make a change in my life, I want to MAKE my life worth something. These feelings have really been surfacing the closer it gets to my birthday.
The other part is likely Austin. I feel as though he has lost all zest for life. Sometimes he is hard to be around; all he wants to do is lay around and sleep. And honestly I feel like he has absolutely no sex drive. Not that when we do its bad, it isn't, its really really good... But I just feel like he's not even attracted to me. Maybe my libido is just really high? Who knows. Or maybe he just doesn't feel that way about me. Like with Noelani from what I remember, he was all over her. And like I guess I just am not attractive in the same kind of way, like really I'm not sexy. I'm acceptably pretty in a cute sort of way, but who wants that. Like its hard to accept that fact. I feel like I'm always in comparison to her through his eyes and I just don't make the cut.
I really don't know why I stay. I always feel like shit, and if I do start to feel good about us and myself, it is very shortlived. I think I am just that insecure that I know I won't find anyone else. But whatever its probably easier to pass the time feeling like at least someone is sort of interested in you than having nothing at all. I just hope I'm not always like this, I hope I learn to do whats best for me. But until I learn that... I'll just keep feeling this way.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Soo hmm whats been going on lately....
I am turning 18 in exactly two weeks! Can't freaking wait. I have the Arctic Winter Games opening ceremony also on that day unfortunately. Not too sure what I'll be doing though. Last night I had drinks with Jess, Morgan and Crytal (Jess's roomate). Pretty fun, pretty successfully loaded. Austin insisted on picking me up because he was "worried about me". And we did like nothing when we got back to his house.
Today Austin and I went skating at Sunset House. I was impressed with how I actually remembered how to skate. Afterwards we went back to Austin's and napped for like 2 hours. The day was very close to being perfect, until Noelani called. And so I was having this really raunchy dream and she called and woke me up. Of course I was in the mood, but Aus just gets so down after he talks with her; so I didn't even bother trying. And then updates his status to... "hates this feeling" or something along those lines. Which is slightly upsetting seeing how half the time he makes those statuses, we are on the phone or hanging out. And like yes... I understand they're not about me, but you think he could make it something more positive and vaguely about me or even not depressed. Its getting really hard to "be with" someone who is so obviously not over the past. Sometimes I feel myself falling really hard, but I feel as though I try and repress those feelings because its obvious he's not ready. I think at this point in time, he's only someone to fill the time and lonliness before I move away (as harsh as that sounds).
Austin often comments on my lack of self confidence and I have really been taking note of it. I'm not all that sure how to change it, or where it stems from. It affects every aspect of my life, from my looks, to relationships (friends and bf) , to how I respond to situations. I feel as though I never stick up for myself, and would rather take the hard way out, then have to put myself first. I constantly blush, which just makes me even more self conscience. I wonder if everyone feel the way I do - constantly under scrutiny and always unsure of what to do/ or how to act. Often, I am in situations and I feel like I just don't know what everyone else would say in that situation. And like no matter what, I'm just approaching it all wrong. I don't feel like I'm ugly and I'm proud of the things my body is able to do, but sometimes I just don't feel like I have it all together. Like for example the way I dress; no matter what there is just something off, I just don't have any style.
Well anyways I'm off to bed, must go to gp in the morning so I'll blog as soon as I need to vent about something.
I am turning 18 in exactly two weeks! Can't freaking wait. I have the Arctic Winter Games opening ceremony also on that day unfortunately. Not too sure what I'll be doing though. Last night I had drinks with Jess, Morgan and Crytal (Jess's roomate). Pretty fun, pretty successfully loaded. Austin insisted on picking me up because he was "worried about me". And we did like nothing when we got back to his house.
Today Austin and I went skating at Sunset House. I was impressed with how I actually remembered how to skate. Afterwards we went back to Austin's and napped for like 2 hours. The day was very close to being perfect, until Noelani called. And so I was having this really raunchy dream and she called and woke me up. Of course I was in the mood, but Aus just gets so down after he talks with her; so I didn't even bother trying. And then updates his status to... "hates this feeling" or something along those lines. Which is slightly upsetting seeing how half the time he makes those statuses, we are on the phone or hanging out. And like yes... I understand they're not about me, but you think he could make it something more positive and vaguely about me or even not depressed. Its getting really hard to "be with" someone who is so obviously not over the past. Sometimes I feel myself falling really hard, but I feel as though I try and repress those feelings because its obvious he's not ready. I think at this point in time, he's only someone to fill the time and lonliness before I move away (as harsh as that sounds).
Austin often comments on my lack of self confidence and I have really been taking note of it. I'm not all that sure how to change it, or where it stems from. It affects every aspect of my life, from my looks, to relationships (friends and bf) , to how I respond to situations. I feel as though I never stick up for myself, and would rather take the hard way out, then have to put myself first. I constantly blush, which just makes me even more self conscience. I wonder if everyone feel the way I do - constantly under scrutiny and always unsure of what to do/ or how to act. Often, I am in situations and I feel like I just don't know what everyone else would say in that situation. And like no matter what, I'm just approaching it all wrong. I don't feel like I'm ugly and I'm proud of the things my body is able to do, but sometimes I just don't feel like I have it all together. Like for example the way I dress; no matter what there is just something off, I just don't have any style.
Well anyways I'm off to bed, must go to gp in the morning so I'll blog as soon as I need to vent about something.
Monday, February 15, 2010
So yesterday was the unholy, god foresaken Valentines Day. I'll start off with explaining the whole weekend. I went to Edmonton with my mom to get my prom dress. It's everything I wanted! Sleek and red. Anyways, Austin and I had tentatively made plans to hang out Saturday night when I came home. Well I texted him a couple times saying I was leaving and what not. He has a bad habit of not replying to my texts unless it is in his benefit, and figured he was busy. So get home and try calling him and he ignores it. Like if you're busy doing something else, just let me know so I don't spend my time waiting around. So I tell him that. And he finally says oh I have a flat tire, I'm at Zak's, I can't drive. So whatever no big deal, I decide to go to Kel's instead.
But then as I'm going out to my Dad's shed to grab a beer, I of course see Austin's vehicle parked in his driving. Like honestly, I am just so sick of the lying. So I just say to him, "Its really unnecessary for you to always be lying." And then in normal fashion, he freaks out about how I never believe him, blah, blah, blah, he's not lying. So I explain to him, it takes at least fifteen mins to get from Zaks and in not even ten you are able to drive from there and fix your tire. And his intellectual response, "wow." So I was pissed and got super drunk at Kels's.
Then he texts me saying he still wants to go with the family and I to Grande Praire on Saturday. And I'm just actually sick of trying to explain to him things. I just don't have the energy to deal with it all, if he wants to come, he'll come, if not.. no. And he picks me up from Kels's and drops me off. Thank god for that, because I was in a towel and bikini and likely wouldn't have made it home.
So the next day he does indeed come to G.P. but inevitably makes no mention to the random lying of last night. And honestly, I am still offended by it. Maybe its not the same for him, but personally, I only lie when I feel that I have done something I shouldn't have done. So to me, when he lies, I feel like he is doing something that would hurt me if I knew the truth. I do really like Austin, but then he'll do things like this, or go talk to Lani for an hour while we're hanging out, and I just halt my feelings.
Since Austin and I have had ... this relationship... I have never felt worse. I feel myself being engulfed in depression. I think it is the turmoil that I have been playing with my emotions. One day I really like him and think I may actually be falling for him, and then he'll ignore me for two days and I think what the fuck. I never ever felt this bad with even Mikey. Mikey would be really mean to me, but then I still knew he cared for me. He could do those terrible things but at least I had no doubt of his feelings for me. I would rather have the odd anger, then have no idea how Austin truly feels.
Austin always says things like you make me feel so good, you make me smile, I think I'm falling for you. They are all such bullshit to me. I would rather see him make an effort then fill my head with lies. I feel like I am there to just pass the time for him. But maybe that's all I want too. I mean, I am leaving for school soon. I will meet a million more people that I will be more compatible with. And maybe Austin acts the way he does, due to me rejecting all his attempts at making things official. But I'm waiting for him to change before I'm ready to actually commit. I just wish I could fast forward these next couple months and get everything over with right now.
Maybe I should move to Edmonton this summer. This last about month and a half, I have been more sad then ever. I think I need to get out of this town, there's so much more out there then the compressing perimeters of this town.
But then as I'm going out to my Dad's shed to grab a beer, I of course see Austin's vehicle parked in his driving. Like honestly, I am just so sick of the lying. So I just say to him, "Its really unnecessary for you to always be lying." And then in normal fashion, he freaks out about how I never believe him, blah, blah, blah, he's not lying. So I explain to him, it takes at least fifteen mins to get from Zaks and in not even ten you are able to drive from there and fix your tire. And his intellectual response, "wow." So I was pissed and got super drunk at Kels's.
Then he texts me saying he still wants to go with the family and I to Grande Praire on Saturday. And I'm just actually sick of trying to explain to him things. I just don't have the energy to deal with it all, if he wants to come, he'll come, if not.. no. And he picks me up from Kels's and drops me off. Thank god for that, because I was in a towel and bikini and likely wouldn't have made it home.
So the next day he does indeed come to G.P. but inevitably makes no mention to the random lying of last night. And honestly, I am still offended by it. Maybe its not the same for him, but personally, I only lie when I feel that I have done something I shouldn't have done. So to me, when he lies, I feel like he is doing something that would hurt me if I knew the truth. I do really like Austin, but then he'll do things like this, or go talk to Lani for an hour while we're hanging out, and I just halt my feelings.
Since Austin and I have had ... this relationship... I have never felt worse. I feel myself being engulfed in depression. I think it is the turmoil that I have been playing with my emotions. One day I really like him and think I may actually be falling for him, and then he'll ignore me for two days and I think what the fuck. I never ever felt this bad with even Mikey. Mikey would be really mean to me, but then I still knew he cared for me. He could do those terrible things but at least I had no doubt of his feelings for me. I would rather have the odd anger, then have no idea how Austin truly feels.
Austin always says things like you make me feel so good, you make me smile, I think I'm falling for you. They are all such bullshit to me. I would rather see him make an effort then fill my head with lies. I feel like I am there to just pass the time for him. But maybe that's all I want too. I mean, I am leaving for school soon. I will meet a million more people that I will be more compatible with. And maybe Austin acts the way he does, due to me rejecting all his attempts at making things official. But I'm waiting for him to change before I'm ready to actually commit. I just wish I could fast forward these next couple months and get everything over with right now.
Maybe I should move to Edmonton this summer. This last about month and a half, I have been more sad then ever. I think I need to get out of this town, there's so much more out there then the compressing perimeters of this town.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I don't want this anymore.
Sorry I haven't wrote it a while, but I'm not going to update you on what has happened just what is happening right now. I have never felt worse than I do right now. Austin makes me feel like absolute shit ever single moment of the day. But I'm so sick of being alone and so desperate that I would rather take it than say something to him. Today we read about two different women: one who was ruthless with her words and never let anyone push her around, the other (which unfortunately is the type of person I represent) never said anything and let people treat her like shit and of course blushed at everything. This was in the book the Bean Trees. I have come to the realization that I will do anything to be unnoticed, even if that puts my life and my feelings at stake.
Like for example that god damned rented movie. I didn't want to make a huge deal out of it and annoy everyone, so it wasn't returned for 8 days. And who of course paid the late fee? Me. God forbid anyone realize that I shouldn't of had to pay that. But maybe I should have, I'm so insecure, I'll never stand up to anyone. You think that would have taught me a lesson.
So back to Austin... A couple of nights ago he stays the night. I spent an hour bawling before he came simply because I feel like I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. And he does nothing but reinforce that feeling. So he shows up after hours of not returning my texts and with no warning. And we hang out and its not totally terrible, until Noelani calls. He spends forty five fucking minutes locked in the bathroom talking to her - on our special night. I was absolutely livid. When he finally comes out, I do complain to him and his response is Evangelina is sick. And I have to take his word on it because I have no other way of knowing otherwise.
The only time we even talk is when I talk to him first. He shows no interest in me, unless it is benefitting him. Put simply: he's just not into me. And if he really is, and this is the way he treats me, why in the fuck am I into him? I am so desperate for companionship, that I put up with it. Like guys never want anything from me but that hour of pleasure. And after that nothing more. Is my personality honestly that undesirable? No one has shown any interest in actually being with me since Mikey. Which is two and a half years ago. God I hate myself. Since even seeing Austin, I have felt so much worse, why can't I end it. I get on the topic of it and always seem to be too shy to say the words I actually feel. Maybe this is why nobody wants me.
And how stupid was I to even go for him at all. Like obviously he is only seeing me to make Noelani jealous. Why would he even go for me in the first place? It had been over a year since I had even had a real conversation with me, he didn't even know me. And when we first started talking thats when he was sweet. And now that he has gotten to reknow me, he is a total asshole. Fuck I am so so so stupid for falling for this shit. Fuck fuck fuck. And since Lani found out about me, he has been a bigger asshole. He got exactly what he wanted. I'm so sick and tired of being this girl; the girl guys use to make their ex's or current gfs mad. Why can't I be the girlfriend or the ex. Why am I never good enough.
Honestly, I don't even think I should see him at all anymore. I have never felt worse about myself.
Like for example that god damned rented movie. I didn't want to make a huge deal out of it and annoy everyone, so it wasn't returned for 8 days. And who of course paid the late fee? Me. God forbid anyone realize that I shouldn't of had to pay that. But maybe I should have, I'm so insecure, I'll never stand up to anyone. You think that would have taught me a lesson.
So back to Austin... A couple of nights ago he stays the night. I spent an hour bawling before he came simply because I feel like I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. And he does nothing but reinforce that feeling. So he shows up after hours of not returning my texts and with no warning. And we hang out and its not totally terrible, until Noelani calls. He spends forty five fucking minutes locked in the bathroom talking to her - on our special night. I was absolutely livid. When he finally comes out, I do complain to him and his response is Evangelina is sick. And I have to take his word on it because I have no other way of knowing otherwise.
The only time we even talk is when I talk to him first. He shows no interest in me, unless it is benefitting him. Put simply: he's just not into me. And if he really is, and this is the way he treats me, why in the fuck am I into him? I am so desperate for companionship, that I put up with it. Like guys never want anything from me but that hour of pleasure. And after that nothing more. Is my personality honestly that undesirable? No one has shown any interest in actually being with me since Mikey. Which is two and a half years ago. God I hate myself. Since even seeing Austin, I have felt so much worse, why can't I end it. I get on the topic of it and always seem to be too shy to say the words I actually feel. Maybe this is why nobody wants me.
And how stupid was I to even go for him at all. Like obviously he is only seeing me to make Noelani jealous. Why would he even go for me in the first place? It had been over a year since I had even had a real conversation with me, he didn't even know me. And when we first started talking thats when he was sweet. And now that he has gotten to reknow me, he is a total asshole. Fuck I am so so so stupid for falling for this shit. Fuck fuck fuck. And since Lani found out about me, he has been a bigger asshole. He got exactly what he wanted. I'm so sick and tired of being this girl; the girl guys use to make their ex's or current gfs mad. Why can't I be the girlfriend or the ex. Why am I never good enough.
Honestly, I don't even think I should see him at all anymore. I have never felt worse about myself.
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