So yesterday was the unholy, god foresaken Valentines Day. I'll start off with explaining the whole weekend. I went to Edmonton with my mom to get my prom dress. It's everything I wanted! Sleek and red. Anyways, Austin and I had tentatively made plans to hang out Saturday night when I came home. Well I texted him a couple times saying I was leaving and what not. He has a bad habit of not replying to my texts unless it is in his benefit, and figured he was busy. So get home and try calling him and he ignores it. Like if you're busy doing something else, just let me know so I don't spend my time waiting around. So I tell him that. And he finally says oh I have a flat tire, I'm at Zak's, I can't drive. So whatever no big deal, I decide to go to Kel's instead.

But then as I'm going out to my Dad's shed to grab a beer, I of course see Austin's vehicle parked in his driving. Like honestly, I am just so sick of the lying. So I just say to him, "Its really unnecessary for you to always be lying." And then in normal fashion, he freaks out about how I never believe him, blah, blah, blah, he's not lying. So I explain to him, it takes at least fifteen mins to get from Zaks and in not even ten you are able to drive from there and fix your tire. And his intellectual response, "wow." So I was pissed and got super drunk at Kels's.

Then he texts me saying he still wants to go with the family and I to Grande Praire on Saturday. And I'm just actually sick of trying to explain to him things. I just don't have the energy to deal with it all, if he wants to come, he'll come, if not.. no. And he picks me up from Kels's and drops me off. Thank god for that, because I was in a towel and bikini and likely wouldn't have made it home.

So the next day he does indeed come to G.P. but inevitably makes no mention to the random lying of last night. And honestly, I am still offended by it. Maybe its not the same for him, but personally, I only lie when I feel that I have done something I shouldn't have done. So to me, when he lies, I feel like he is doing something that would hurt me if I knew the truth. I do really like Austin, but then he'll do things like this, or go talk to Lani for an hour while we're hanging out, and I just halt my feelings.

Since Austin and I have had ... this relationship... I have never felt worse. I feel myself being engulfed in depression. I think it is the turmoil that I have been playing with my emotions. One day I really like him and think I may actually be falling for him, and then he'll ignore me for two days and I think what the fuck. I never ever felt this bad with even Mikey. Mikey would be really mean to me, but then I still knew he cared for me. He could do those terrible things but at least I had no doubt of his feelings for me. I would rather have the odd anger, then have no idea how Austin truly feels.

Austin always says things like you make me feel so good, you make me smile, I think I'm falling for you. They are all such bullshit to me. I would rather see him make an effort then fill my head with lies. I feel like I am there to just pass the time for him. But maybe that's all I want too. I mean, I am leaving for school soon. I will meet a million more people that I will be more compatible with. And maybe Austin acts the way he does, due to me rejecting all his attempts at making things official. But I'm waiting for him to change before I'm ready to actually commit. I just wish I could fast forward these next couple months and get everything over with right now.

Maybe I should move to Edmonton this summer. This last about month and a half, I have been more sad then ever. I think I need to get out of this town, there's so much more out there then the compressing perimeters of this town.