Soo hmm whats been going on lately....

I am turning 18 in exactly two weeks! Can't freaking wait. I have the Arctic Winter Games opening ceremony also on that day unfortunately. Not too sure what I'll be doing though. Last night I had drinks with Jess, Morgan and Crytal (Jess's roomate). Pretty fun, pretty successfully loaded. Austin insisted on picking me up because he was "worried about me". And we did like nothing when we got back to his house.

Today Austin and I went skating at Sunset House. I was impressed with how I actually remembered how to skate. Afterwards we went back to Austin's and napped for like 2 hours. The day was very close to being perfect, until Noelani called. And so I was having this really raunchy dream and she called and woke me up. Of course I was in the mood, but Aus just gets so down after he talks with her; so I didn't even bother trying. And then updates his status to... "hates this feeling" or something along those lines. Which is slightly upsetting seeing how half the time he makes those statuses, we are on the phone or hanging out. And like yes... I understand they're not about me, but you think he could make it something more positive and vaguely about me or even not depressed. Its getting really hard to "be with" someone who is so obviously not over the past. Sometimes I feel myself falling really hard, but I feel as though I try and repress those feelings because its obvious he's not ready. I think at this point in time, he's only someone to fill the time and lonliness before I move away (as harsh as that sounds).

Austin often comments on my lack of self confidence and I have really been taking note of it. I'm not all that sure how to change it, or where it stems from. It affects every aspect of my life, from my looks, to relationships (friends and bf) , to how I respond to situations. I feel as though I never stick up for myself, and would rather take the hard way out, then have to put myself first. I constantly blush, which just makes me even more self conscience. I wonder if everyone feel the way I do - constantly under scrutiny and always unsure of what to do/ or how to act. Often, I am in situations and I feel like I just don't know what everyone else would say in that situation. And like no matter what, I'm just approaching it all wrong. I don't feel like I'm ugly and I'm proud of the things my body is able to do, but sometimes I just don't feel like I have it all together. Like for example the way I dress; no matter what there is just something off, I just don't have any style.

Well anyways I'm off to bed, must go to gp in the morning so I'll blog as soon as I need to vent about something.