I don't want this anymore.

Sorry I haven't wrote it a while, but I'm not going to update you on what has happened just what is happening right now. I have never felt worse than I do right now. Austin makes me feel like absolute shit ever single moment of the day. But I'm so sick of being alone and so desperate that I would rather take it than say something to him. Today we read about two different women: one who was ruthless with her words and never let anyone push her around, the other (which unfortunately is the type of person I represent) never said anything and let people treat her like shit and of course blushed at everything. This was in the book the Bean Trees. I have come to the realization that I will do anything to be unnoticed, even if that puts my life and my feelings at stake.

Like for example that god damned rented movie. I didn't want to make a huge deal out of it and annoy everyone, so it wasn't returned for 8 days. And who of course paid the late fee? Me. God forbid anyone realize that I shouldn't of had to pay that. But maybe I should have, I'm so insecure, I'll never stand up to anyone. You think that would have taught me a lesson.

So back to Austin... A couple of nights ago he stays the night. I spent an hour bawling before he came simply because I feel like I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. And he does nothing but reinforce that feeling. So he shows up after hours of not returning my texts and with no warning. And we hang out and its not totally terrible, until Noelani calls. He spends forty five fucking minutes locked in the bathroom talking to her - on our special night. I was absolutely livid. When he finally comes out, I do complain to him and his response is Evangelina is sick. And I have to take his word on it because I have no other way of knowing otherwise.

The only time we even talk is when I talk to him first. He shows no interest in me, unless it is benefitting him. Put simply: he's just not into me. And if he really is, and this is the way he treats me, why in the fuck am I into him? I am so desperate for companionship, that I put up with it. Like guys never want anything from me but that hour of pleasure. And after that nothing more. Is my personality honestly that undesirable? No one has shown any interest in actually being with me since Mikey. Which is two and a half years ago. God I hate myself. Since even seeing Austin, I have felt so much worse, why can't I end it. I get on the topic of it and always seem to be too shy to say the words I actually feel. Maybe this is why nobody wants me.

And how stupid was I to even go for him at all. Like obviously he is only seeing me to make Noelani jealous. Why would he even go for me in the first place? It had been over a year since I had even had a real conversation with me, he didn't even know me. And when we first started talking thats when he was sweet. And now that he has gotten to reknow me, he is a total asshole. Fuck I am so so so stupid for falling for this shit. Fuck fuck fuck. And since Lani found out about me, he has been a bigger asshole. He got exactly what he wanted. I'm so sick and tired of being this girl; the girl guys use to make their ex's or current gfs mad. Why can't I be the girlfriend or the ex. Why am I never good enough.

Honestly, I don't even think I should see him at all anymore. I have never felt worse about myself.