You ever think about how little of time we actually have and how much we waste. Say you live to a hundred, you have 35 500 days on Earth. and for lets say the last five and first five, you're not really that coherent, so you have 32 850 days on this earth. And thats if you live to be pretty damn old. We never know exactly how many we will have, today could be the end for all I know. And I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted so much time - on certain people and doing certain things. I want to make a change in my life, I want to MAKE my life worth something. These feelings have really been surfacing the closer it gets to my birthday.

The other part is likely Austin. I feel as though he has lost all zest for life. Sometimes he is hard to be around; all he wants to do is lay around and sleep. And honestly I feel like he has absolutely no sex drive. Not that when we do its bad, it isn't, its really really good... But I just feel like he's not even attracted to me. Maybe my libido is just really high? Who knows. Or maybe he just doesn't feel that way about me. Like with Noelani from what I remember, he was all over her. And like I guess I just am not attractive in the same kind of way, like really I'm not sexy. I'm acceptably pretty in a cute sort of way, but who wants that. Like its hard to accept that fact. I feel like I'm always in comparison to her through his eyes and I just don't make the cut.

I really don't know why I stay. I always feel like shit, and if I do start to feel good about us and myself, it is very shortlived. I think I am just that insecure that I know I won't find anyone else. But whatever its probably easier to pass the time feeling like at least someone is sort of interested in you than having nothing at all. I just hope I'm not always like this, I hope I learn to do whats best for me. But until I learn that... I'll just keep feeling this way.