Hmm so where to start...

Really nothing interesting has been happening in my life. Sadly still no call from Cameron. Been talking to Austin a bit but I dunno... He keeps being all I miss you and whatever, and when i think about it... I really don't miss him. I miss the lies when I still believed in them, and the person I thought he was but essentially once everything came out, I sure as shit don't miss it. I don't miss the secrecy or him just completely ignoring me. And really he's not even overly good looking, wtf do I see in him. LOL. He doesn't have a job, he has a child, bums off everyone, steals and lies. Hmmm real good choice. God I wish Cameron would have called! haha oh well though..

So this past weekend my parents went camping. On Friday, I went with Sarah, Kels, Shawn and Mitchell to GP. We watched Sex In the City and I was sadly disapointed in that movie. (Speak of the devil Aus just texted me lol). We came home and Morgan, Sarah and I popped the fucking best tabs in the world! :) We literally danced for 4 hours straight... haha fun shit fo sho. But then I started to get a bit too messed up and went to bed. And then Morgan did it with Kelby -absolute randomly) in my bed. Slightly not too impressed with that... I don't know why she doesn't demand more respect from boys. Then we had e hangover syndrome the next day and didn't do a damn thing. Later that night a bunch of people came over and I proceeded to get pleasantly intoxicated lol. We decorated the night with a solid two hour round of "Would you suck it.." HAHAHA such a good game. Then the next day the parents came home and all fun over.

This weeks been off to a slow start. Yesterday I cut the grass, worked and went for a run. Successfully managed to get a blister... ontop of another blister. Terrific, I'd say. And today school, work and ended it off with dancing in the talent show. But anyhow I'm off, till another day fair friend...

So this past weekend was May long weekend. It certainly had its ups and downs that's for sure! I started it out on Thursday by going to the bar with Morgan. I got super hammered and somehow figured it was a good idea to Austin's house. And well one thing lead to another and we ended up doing the dirty haha. But then all of a sudden Evan bursts in and went fucking psycho. I've never even seen anyone act like that! He was throwing shit and hacking not only Austin but me as well. He even woke up Simone to inform her of what we were doing. Like wtf who does that?!? And then he full out brawled Austin. Worst night of life I swear to God! Anyways I don't even want to go into more detail about that retarded night. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

But then Friday night was amazing! Me and Morgan went to the zoo and Cam was there. We hung out at the bar and like flirted all night and stuff. HAHA we even made out in front of Austin... Oopsie! LOL! And then I went to the HIV. Then me and Morgan went to the newfies house. But I don't really like those guys so I wanted to go home. Ty and 'G Holla' were gonna walk me home but then Cam called me! :) We hung out till like 5:30 in the morning! He's like so cool and super sweet. And he seemed really into me, but hasn't called? So I'm kinda like wtf?! Like he said he wanted to ask me out and like just said a whole bunch of really sweet stuff. But maybe he just talks a good talk? But I guess he told Clinton gang about me? So who knows... I hope he calls... lol

I've been working out a lot lately... starting to see some big changes in my body. I'm down to 137 pounds. I'm hoping for 130 by grad :) That would be like dream weight. But I'm out... I'll let ya know when something exciting happens haha

So last weekend was prom. I had a fucking blast!!! Totally got prom queen! :) :) Definitely was not expecting to though. So once I was ready Calvenn came over and we went to pictures with like the grad class. And that was alright... It's just like all of my old friends -Paul, Tom, Cass, etc- all got pictures together. And they never invited me. And while we were there I just really came to the realization that out of my grade I really never made any close friends. I can't help but wonder, was it me that never allowed myself to become close with any of them? Or, did they just not want anything to do with me? I think always looking back over high school, I'll never understand what really did happen there. But whatever, I see the way they treat people around them and I know if I was close with all of them I would be the same. It's not their lack of ambitions that makes me ... look down on them for lack of a better phrase... It's the way they all put others down, just to temporarily boost their ego... and forever damaging someone else's. And after being on the damaged side, I can happily say I never purposely do that to anyone. When I was at prom party, I wore my tiara and sash. And apparently Cass was just bitching about how I won it and she didn't, and that I shouldn't be showing off at the party with it. And that just said everything. It's basically a popularity contest, right? Like the kids vote on it. I would never, ever put someone else down for getting prom queen. I would congratulate the person and not think twice about it. And that just shows the kind of person Cass and those type of people are... and that's why they never got it.

But it still upsets me, you know, like not one of those people asked to get a picture with me. I wonder if any of them even thought about it. God I just can't wait to get out of high school... I'll be so much happier when its all over. And all my self doubts will end...

But anyways, enough of this depressing shit... I've got a lot to write out...

So at prom I had a total blast. I was hammered beyond recognition, but I'm happy I was. Cause I felt truly happy at it. Last year I can remember just feeling so... so... bad. And crying in the bathroom. I felt like everyone was making fun of me and my dress. And this year it wasn't like that at all. And if they were acting like that, I was just too drunk to notice. And then we went to prom party. That was a blast too. I spent the entire night talking to Cameron which eventually led to making out. He seems like such a cool guy... much more mature and respectful than any guy I know. But then I'm just really confused now. Cause he called me Sunday night and said he wanted to hang out Monday. Monday rolled around and he never called. Then on Tuesday he called and said we should chill tonight, and again he never called. But everytime I've talked to him, he's like been super sweet, so like why is he doing this? Who knows? So we'll see if he calls tomorrow and if not, maybe I'll call him...

And Austin update... not too sure how much I've been keeping you updated lately. He told me he didn't want to go to prom, we all suspect he was back with Lani but he never admitted it. I pretty much had a break down after he said no to prom - in the bathroom at school, apparently I cry a lot in there lol- and I swore to myself I would never, ever, ever, in a million years, go back to him. So he's been trying to talk to me more. And last night he's all I miss you, pulling that bullshit. And like I honestly believe he was back with Lani and that's why he didn't want to go to prom. She probably just fucked another one of his friends and he found out. Which conveniantly for her, happened right around prom. So I just get the shaft end of the stick. I still highly believe I would never have anything to do with Austin again. Like giving him what a 3rd or 4th chance now.. that's not fair to me. The prom thing just like really cut me deep... Just typing this is bringing tears to my eyes. It's just a repeat of last year with Calvin Slemp. But anyways Austin was feeding me all these lines and I basically told him I was over him and had met someone else. He responded by basically calling me slut. And you know what, fuck him. That's how I feel... He single-handedly ruined this year for me. I'm just stupid if I ever had anything with him again. So in a couple weeks I hope you read this and remember that!

So tomorrow is prom! The big day! Calvenn is my date. I'm pretty excited, and hope it isn't like last year. Last year, I could feel like everyone was talking about me. I actually went into the bathroom and cried. This year I just really want things to be different. And then prom party afterwards, wwaahhooo! So this Cameron - hot black guy from the bar - totally called me the other day. After all chivalry isn't dead! And we're gonna meet up at prom party. I hope that goes well.

Yesterday was track and I was so bad at it. It really hurts that I'm not as good as I used to be. I wish I wouldn't of even tried. Today I went to school all day, and then finished setting up for prom. And then came home and cleaned my ass off. Mom of course didn't take much notice. I just once would like a good job. Or for them to take any notice of how hard I try at anything. All they do is put me down and honestly it just sucks. I volunteer my time for so much stuff that I miss out on so much other stuff, and for what? Not even a good job, or simple thank you. I think thats why I do drugs and party so hard. Because I just build up so much hurt knowing I'm wasting my life oon nothing. Like today after me complaining of how messy my house is for the past six years to my mom, she instead of acting like she'd make any effort, just tells me she wishes I would have moved away for the summer. And then I'm downstairs cleaning my room, and she takes me i-pod out of the stereo and throws it on the floor. So I complain about that and then get yelled at Dad for disrespecting her. Like hello? She disrespected me first. And she knows what she did was wrong and knows how much I hate being yelled at, but just sits there. Like how does she feel okay doing that. I just want to get out of here, I just want an escape.

And really for once I just want someone to appreciate the things I do. I feel so empty inside all of the time...

So my last entry was pretty sad, I was feeling shitty. Things are looking up.... We are doing a performance while the band plays Thriller in front of quite a big crowd tomorrow. I've put alot of time into choreographing it and everything. I think we're gonna do great. All my girls have worked so hard. Been putting so much time and effort into it. But pretty sick right now... Uggghhh not fair. I think this is like the 7th really sick time since the beginning of school. I just get so sick of it. And hope to God there is nothing seriously wrong with me.

So boy wise I've calmed down. You know what they want to all be assholes, well fuck em. I think once I leave this town I will finally find someone I can relate too. Who isn't a teenage Dad, that can't even support his own child, and lays that responsibility around on everyone else, even though he can see how much it hurts them.

Sorry just this short entry, feeling tired. Nighty night! Love ya <3

Why can't people just walk away and you never have to see them again. I have never been on such an emotional rollercoaster, like how it is with Austin. He's just been playing me hot and cold to minipulate Noelani this whole time. I know I've probably said that a million times. So after him telling me he CAN'T go to prom with me. "He can't explain it to me, I wouldn't understand. It's not me, its him. No one understands." After he told me that I literally just broke down bawling. And then tonight Zane tells me Aus asked Simone if he could bring Lani to prom. Like I'm so sick of it. I'm just the girl every guy runs to after breaking up with his girlfriend to make them jealous. Like why can't I be the one someone wants? What's so wrong with me? It's just not fair.

I feel like nothing good ever happens to me. And I treat people well. I try to never talk behind their backs or manipulate. And like I just always get the shit end of the stick. Is it this town? Or is it just me? I always think it will change when I go to university but it probably won't. Its not like it is every guy out there. Like whats more likely: Every guy is an asshole specifically to me? Or there is something wrong with me? Obviously the second one. I just want to to get the fuck out of here and never look back. God when will I feel different. Its been two fucking months of Austin just treating me like I'm nothing. Like how am I that fucking stupid that I just keep going back. In a fucking week, she will have fucked one of his friends and he'll come running back to me just to make her jealous. And I'll fall for it because I'm that desperate to feel like someone, anyone could be interested in me. Even when I know its not me that they want. He was always saying I had no confidence, I wonder fucking why!

You ever think about how little of time we actually have and how much we waste. Say you live to a hundred, you have 35 500 days on Earth. and for lets say the last five and first five, you're not really that coherent, so you have 32 850 days on this earth. And thats if you live to be pretty damn old. We never know exactly how many we will have, today could be the end for all I know. And I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted so much time - on certain people and doing certain things. I want to make a change in my life, I want to MAKE my life worth something. These feelings have really been surfacing the closer it gets to my birthday.

The other part is likely Austin. I feel as though he has lost all zest for life. Sometimes he is hard to be around; all he wants to do is lay around and sleep. And honestly I feel like he has absolutely no sex drive. Not that when we do its bad, it isn't, its really really good... But I just feel like he's not even attracted to me. Maybe my libido is just really high? Who knows. Or maybe he just doesn't feel that way about me. Like with Noelani from what I remember, he was all over her. And like I guess I just am not attractive in the same kind of way, like really I'm not sexy. I'm acceptably pretty in a cute sort of way, but who wants that. Like its hard to accept that fact. I feel like I'm always in comparison to her through his eyes and I just don't make the cut.

I really don't know why I stay. I always feel like shit, and if I do start to feel good about us and myself, it is very shortlived. I think I am just that insecure that I know I won't find anyone else. But whatever its probably easier to pass the time feeling like at least someone is sort of interested in you than having nothing at all. I just hope I'm not always like this, I hope I learn to do whats best for me. But until I learn that... I'll just keep feeling this way.