"Fitting In"

Just an update of the big university life...

I've just really come to the conclusion that things are never going to work out for me. I have always had so much trouble fitting in and I don't know what to do. And like I'm not self conscience about my looks; its all on my personality. Like in high school, I always struggled with feel accepted and knowing whether people liked me. And the older I get the more I realize that no matter where you go or what you do, people are never going to like me. For example, Mrs. Ghilcrest (sp?) gave almost everyone in our grade twelve calculus class a going away present, except me. And the saddest part of it is that I was the only person that bought her something but I was too ashamed to give it to her after I found out everyone else in the class got something. And I wanted to give it her so badly because I knew how much she would love it (a Beatles cookie jar) but it just hurt so badly. The thing is, it wasn't like she simply forgot about me, she deliberately didn't get me anything, when all the other kids got their things it was so secretive and like they didn't want to talk about it in front of me. It's like there's always some clique that I'm not apart of - like for christ's sake, she's a 70 year old woman and she has to go out of her way to make me feel this way. Like there was 20 people in the class, you think instead of getting something for 19 of the kids you couldn't just make it that extra one. And of course I would find out, how could I not. And that just, it just, really hurt... and I've never told anyone that.

And it was the same thing all through out high school. Some sort of stupid fucking clique and I just never could get it right. Sadly, the entire time I was in high school, I got through it by always thinking about how different it would be once I got out of that town and finally got to University. I always just thought it was that stupid small town and that stupid high school. That's how I got through it. But now I've realized that's only the sad beginning, and I don't know how to get through it now, I don't.

In Lister, I feel like they all get along and I just don't fit in; I don't know how to talk to them. I have absolutely no confidence in my personality that I can't even strike up conversations. I can't even look up at them when I walk by them. And they're not even assholes like how the kids were in high school. I just can't seem to 'fit in'. And I hate it, I fucking hate it. It just makes me hate myself even more, like I can't even talk with people and I don't know why. It's like highschool has completely ruined me and my confidence. But what's even sadder, is these 'cliques' never ever end, and if you're not prepared to deal with them, your life will never amount to much. And then you realize its even in your family. Like Lisa was up from Austrailia, and all of the cousins went out twice, without inviting me and Jackie. Like we're both of age, we both live in Edmonton; what gives you the right not to invite us? Fuck you, is all I have to say. You do your best to make us feel inadequite, well job well done. And when we did go to the supper, nobody talked to us or included us in anything. Like can you go anywhere to get away from it all or is it just human nature?

I used to always think I had a fire inside of me, burning and lighting everywhere I went. I used to walk into a room and light it up and feel good about myself. But i can feel it dwindling and almost out. But there's no where to go, no way to fix it, because I've realized you'll never escape the complexities of 'fitting in' (not even within your own family). I just don't know what to do anymore... There's no way to get away from it, absolutely no way. I haven't felt this much darkness and sadness since I was little and I have all these tormented memories of wanting to end my life. And I feel like I'm regressing to this state, but now there's nothing to even look forward to because it never ever ever ends....

My life

WOW! I haven't blogged in forever. That's a good thing though because all of my blogs are sad and depressing so that means life must be going good. :) I'm at the U of A in my first year, living in Lister. University is very tough and tiring. I really hope its worth it in the end. I get very lonely here, like yeah I have friends and everything, but they're not my real friends; not the people I can tell everything too. I really miss Cheeto and I hope more than anything he's being treated right. I'm exhausted from all the work I do, but some how I am managing with minimal breakdowns LOL.

Last week I went to L.A. to see Jay Leno and Ellen, as well as going to Disneyland. I shopped like crazy though! It was a very good trip minus Auntie Theresea, but lets try and keep things positive here! I'm behind in school and need to get my ass in some serious gear.

I'm still dating Cam and I presume things to be going very well. This is my first relationship that I've felt genuinely happy. I think about him all the time and I'm pretty sure he does the same. I miss him like crazy tho! Really wish he could come up more. We say "I love you" and I do truely feel it. I haven't felt like this since Mikey - but this is minus the abusive overtones. I hope he moves here and we can really start getting to know each other and spending more time together. I haven't felt this kind of attraction and that 'have to have you' kind of feeling for ages.

But anyways, thought I'd give a little update since I haven't in so long. I have a 51 page essay to read so I'm gonna get off here now. Bye love!

Ps. Over Austin, he's back with Noelani, and I can see him for the scum that he is. He tried to sleep together for the last month of school but I refrained all the while being with lani. God can I be happy I'm over that ugly unemployed selfish fat fuck :) and have moved on to sexy, considerate, interesting, self motivated Cam :)

Hmm so where to start...

Really nothing interesting has been happening in my life. Sadly still no call from Cameron. Been talking to Austin a bit but I dunno... He keeps being all I miss you and whatever, and when i think about it... I really don't miss him. I miss the lies when I still believed in them, and the person I thought he was but essentially once everything came out, I sure as shit don't miss it. I don't miss the secrecy or him just completely ignoring me. And really he's not even overly good looking, wtf do I see in him. LOL. He doesn't have a job, he has a child, bums off everyone, steals and lies. Hmmm real good choice. God I wish Cameron would have called! haha oh well though..

So this past weekend my parents went camping. On Friday, I went with Sarah, Kels, Shawn and Mitchell to GP. We watched Sex In the City and I was sadly disapointed in that movie. (Speak of the devil Aus just texted me lol). We came home and Morgan, Sarah and I popped the fucking best tabs in the world! :) We literally danced for 4 hours straight... haha fun shit fo sho. But then I started to get a bit too messed up and went to bed. And then Morgan did it with Kelby -absolute randomly) in my bed. Slightly not too impressed with that... I don't know why she doesn't demand more respect from boys. Then we had e hangover syndrome the next day and didn't do a damn thing. Later that night a bunch of people came over and I proceeded to get pleasantly intoxicated lol. We decorated the night with a solid two hour round of "Would you suck it.." HAHAHA such a good game. Then the next day the parents came home and all fun over.

This weeks been off to a slow start. Yesterday I cut the grass, worked and went for a run. Successfully managed to get a blister... ontop of another blister. Terrific, I'd say. And today school, work and ended it off with dancing in the talent show. But anyhow I'm off, till another day fair friend...

So this past weekend was May long weekend. It certainly had its ups and downs that's for sure! I started it out on Thursday by going to the bar with Morgan. I got super hammered and somehow figured it was a good idea to Austin's house. And well one thing lead to another and we ended up doing the dirty haha. But then all of a sudden Evan bursts in and went fucking psycho. I've never even seen anyone act like that! He was throwing shit and hacking not only Austin but me as well. He even woke up Simone to inform her of what we were doing. Like wtf who does that?!? And then he full out brawled Austin. Worst night of life I swear to God! Anyways I don't even want to go into more detail about that retarded night. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

But then Friday night was amazing! Me and Morgan went to the zoo and Cam was there. We hung out at the bar and like flirted all night and stuff. HAHA we even made out in front of Austin... Oopsie! LOL! And then I went to the HIV. Then me and Morgan went to the newfies house. But I don't really like those guys so I wanted to go home. Ty and 'G Holla' were gonna walk me home but then Cam called me! :) We hung out till like 5:30 in the morning! He's like so cool and super sweet. And he seemed really into me, but hasn't called? So I'm kinda like wtf?! Like he said he wanted to ask me out and like just said a whole bunch of really sweet stuff. But maybe he just talks a good talk? But I guess he told Clinton gang about me? So who knows... I hope he calls... lol

I've been working out a lot lately... starting to see some big changes in my body. I'm down to 137 pounds. I'm hoping for 130 by grad :) That would be like dream weight. But I'm out... I'll let ya know when something exciting happens haha

So last weekend was prom. I had a fucking blast!!! Totally got prom queen! :) :) Definitely was not expecting to though. So once I was ready Calvenn came over and we went to pictures with like the grad class. And that was alright... It's just like all of my old friends -Paul, Tom, Cass, etc- all got pictures together. And they never invited me. And while we were there I just really came to the realization that out of my grade I really never made any close friends. I can't help but wonder, was it me that never allowed myself to become close with any of them? Or, did they just not want anything to do with me? I think always looking back over high school, I'll never understand what really did happen there. But whatever, I see the way they treat people around them and I know if I was close with all of them I would be the same. It's not their lack of ambitions that makes me ... look down on them for lack of a better phrase... It's the way they all put others down, just to temporarily boost their ego... and forever damaging someone else's. And after being on the damaged side, I can happily say I never purposely do that to anyone. When I was at prom party, I wore my tiara and sash. And apparently Cass was just bitching about how I won it and she didn't, and that I shouldn't be showing off at the party with it. And that just said everything. It's basically a popularity contest, right? Like the kids vote on it. I would never, ever put someone else down for getting prom queen. I would congratulate the person and not think twice about it. And that just shows the kind of person Cass and those type of people are... and that's why they never got it.

But it still upsets me, you know, like not one of those people asked to get a picture with me. I wonder if any of them even thought about it. God I just can't wait to get out of high school... I'll be so much happier when its all over. And all my self doubts will end...

But anyways, enough of this depressing shit... I've got a lot to write out...

So at prom I had a total blast. I was hammered beyond recognition, but I'm happy I was. Cause I felt truly happy at it. Last year I can remember just feeling so... so... bad. And crying in the bathroom. I felt like everyone was making fun of me and my dress. And this year it wasn't like that at all. And if they were acting like that, I was just too drunk to notice. And then we went to prom party. That was a blast too. I spent the entire night talking to Cameron which eventually led to making out. He seems like such a cool guy... much more mature and respectful than any guy I know. But then I'm just really confused now. Cause he called me Sunday night and said he wanted to hang out Monday. Monday rolled around and he never called. Then on Tuesday he called and said we should chill tonight, and again he never called. But everytime I've talked to him, he's like been super sweet, so like why is he doing this? Who knows? So we'll see if he calls tomorrow and if not, maybe I'll call him...

And Austin update... not too sure how much I've been keeping you updated lately. He told me he didn't want to go to prom, we all suspect he was back with Lani but he never admitted it. I pretty much had a break down after he said no to prom - in the bathroom at school, apparently I cry a lot in there lol- and I swore to myself I would never, ever, ever, in a million years, go back to him. So he's been trying to talk to me more. And last night he's all I miss you, pulling that bullshit. And like I honestly believe he was back with Lani and that's why he didn't want to go to prom. She probably just fucked another one of his friends and he found out. Which conveniantly for her, happened right around prom. So I just get the shaft end of the stick. I still highly believe I would never have anything to do with Austin again. Like giving him what a 3rd or 4th chance now.. that's not fair to me. The prom thing just like really cut me deep... Just typing this is bringing tears to my eyes. It's just a repeat of last year with Calvin Slemp. But anyways Austin was feeding me all these lines and I basically told him I was over him and had met someone else. He responded by basically calling me slut. And you know what, fuck him. That's how I feel... He single-handedly ruined this year for me. I'm just stupid if I ever had anything with him again. So in a couple weeks I hope you read this and remember that!

So tomorrow is prom! The big day! Calvenn is my date. I'm pretty excited, and hope it isn't like last year. Last year, I could feel like everyone was talking about me. I actually went into the bathroom and cried. This year I just really want things to be different. And then prom party afterwards, wwaahhooo! So this Cameron - hot black guy from the bar - totally called me the other day. After all chivalry isn't dead! And we're gonna meet up at prom party. I hope that goes well.

Yesterday was track and I was so bad at it. It really hurts that I'm not as good as I used to be. I wish I wouldn't of even tried. Today I went to school all day, and then finished setting up for prom. And then came home and cleaned my ass off. Mom of course didn't take much notice. I just once would like a good job. Or for them to take any notice of how hard I try at anything. All they do is put me down and honestly it just sucks. I volunteer my time for so much stuff that I miss out on so much other stuff, and for what? Not even a good job, or simple thank you. I think thats why I do drugs and party so hard. Because I just build up so much hurt knowing I'm wasting my life oon nothing. Like today after me complaining of how messy my house is for the past six years to my mom, she instead of acting like she'd make any effort, just tells me she wishes I would have moved away for the summer. And then I'm downstairs cleaning my room, and she takes me i-pod out of the stereo and throws it on the floor. So I complain about that and then get yelled at Dad for disrespecting her. Like hello? She disrespected me first. And she knows what she did was wrong and knows how much I hate being yelled at, but just sits there. Like how does she feel okay doing that. I just want to get out of here, I just want an escape.

And really for once I just want someone to appreciate the things I do. I feel so empty inside all of the time...

So my last entry was pretty sad, I was feeling shitty. Things are looking up.... We are doing a performance while the band plays Thriller in front of quite a big crowd tomorrow. I've put alot of time into choreographing it and everything. I think we're gonna do great. All my girls have worked so hard. Been putting so much time and effort into it. But pretty sick right now... Uggghhh not fair. I think this is like the 7th really sick time since the beginning of school. I just get so sick of it. And hope to God there is nothing seriously wrong with me.

So boy wise I've calmed down. You know what they want to all be assholes, well fuck em. I think once I leave this town I will finally find someone I can relate too. Who isn't a teenage Dad, that can't even support his own child, and lays that responsibility around on everyone else, even though he can see how much it hurts them.

Sorry just this short entry, feeling tired. Nighty night! Love ya <3

Why can't people just walk away and you never have to see them again. I have never been on such an emotional rollercoaster, like how it is with Austin. He's just been playing me hot and cold to minipulate Noelani this whole time. I know I've probably said that a million times. So after him telling me he CAN'T go to prom with me. "He can't explain it to me, I wouldn't understand. It's not me, its him. No one understands." After he told me that I literally just broke down bawling. And then tonight Zane tells me Aus asked Simone if he could bring Lani to prom. Like I'm so sick of it. I'm just the girl every guy runs to after breaking up with his girlfriend to make them jealous. Like why can't I be the one someone wants? What's so wrong with me? It's just not fair.

I feel like nothing good ever happens to me. And I treat people well. I try to never talk behind their backs or manipulate. And like I just always get the shit end of the stick. Is it this town? Or is it just me? I always think it will change when I go to university but it probably won't. Its not like it is every guy out there. Like whats more likely: Every guy is an asshole specifically to me? Or there is something wrong with me? Obviously the second one. I just want to to get the fuck out of here and never look back. God when will I feel different. Its been two fucking months of Austin just treating me like I'm nothing. Like how am I that fucking stupid that I just keep going back. In a fucking week, she will have fucked one of his friends and he'll come running back to me just to make her jealous. And I'll fall for it because I'm that desperate to feel like someone, anyone could be interested in me. Even when I know its not me that they want. He was always saying I had no confidence, I wonder fucking why!

You ever think about how little of time we actually have and how much we waste. Say you live to a hundred, you have 35 500 days on Earth. and for lets say the last five and first five, you're not really that coherent, so you have 32 850 days on this earth. And thats if you live to be pretty damn old. We never know exactly how many we will have, today could be the end for all I know. And I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted so much time - on certain people and doing certain things. I want to make a change in my life, I want to MAKE my life worth something. These feelings have really been surfacing the closer it gets to my birthday.

The other part is likely Austin. I feel as though he has lost all zest for life. Sometimes he is hard to be around; all he wants to do is lay around and sleep. And honestly I feel like he has absolutely no sex drive. Not that when we do its bad, it isn't, its really really good... But I just feel like he's not even attracted to me. Maybe my libido is just really high? Who knows. Or maybe he just doesn't feel that way about me. Like with Noelani from what I remember, he was all over her. And like I guess I just am not attractive in the same kind of way, like really I'm not sexy. I'm acceptably pretty in a cute sort of way, but who wants that. Like its hard to accept that fact. I feel like I'm always in comparison to her through his eyes and I just don't make the cut.

I really don't know why I stay. I always feel like shit, and if I do start to feel good about us and myself, it is very shortlived. I think I am just that insecure that I know I won't find anyone else. But whatever its probably easier to pass the time feeling like at least someone is sort of interested in you than having nothing at all. I just hope I'm not always like this, I hope I learn to do whats best for me. But until I learn that... I'll just keep feeling this way.

Soo hmm whats been going on lately....

I am turning 18 in exactly two weeks! Can't freaking wait. I have the Arctic Winter Games opening ceremony also on that day unfortunately. Not too sure what I'll be doing though. Last night I had drinks with Jess, Morgan and Crytal (Jess's roomate). Pretty fun, pretty successfully loaded. Austin insisted on picking me up because he was "worried about me". And we did like nothing when we got back to his house.

Today Austin and I went skating at Sunset House. I was impressed with how I actually remembered how to skate. Afterwards we went back to Austin's and napped for like 2 hours. The day was very close to being perfect, until Noelani called. And so I was having this really raunchy dream and she called and woke me up. Of course I was in the mood, but Aus just gets so down after he talks with her; so I didn't even bother trying. And then updates his status to... "hates this feeling" or something along those lines. Which is slightly upsetting seeing how half the time he makes those statuses, we are on the phone or hanging out. And like yes... I understand they're not about me, but you think he could make it something more positive and vaguely about me or even not depressed. Its getting really hard to "be with" someone who is so obviously not over the past. Sometimes I feel myself falling really hard, but I feel as though I try and repress those feelings because its obvious he's not ready. I think at this point in time, he's only someone to fill the time and lonliness before I move away (as harsh as that sounds).

Austin often comments on my lack of self confidence and I have really been taking note of it. I'm not all that sure how to change it, or where it stems from. It affects every aspect of my life, from my looks, to relationships (friends and bf) , to how I respond to situations. I feel as though I never stick up for myself, and would rather take the hard way out, then have to put myself first. I constantly blush, which just makes me even more self conscience. I wonder if everyone feel the way I do - constantly under scrutiny and always unsure of what to do/ or how to act. Often, I am in situations and I feel like I just don't know what everyone else would say in that situation. And like no matter what, I'm just approaching it all wrong. I don't feel like I'm ugly and I'm proud of the things my body is able to do, but sometimes I just don't feel like I have it all together. Like for example the way I dress; no matter what there is just something off, I just don't have any style.

Well anyways I'm off to bed, must go to gp in the morning so I'll blog as soon as I need to vent about something.

So yesterday was the unholy, god foresaken Valentines Day. I'll start off with explaining the whole weekend. I went to Edmonton with my mom to get my prom dress. It's everything I wanted! Sleek and red. Anyways, Austin and I had tentatively made plans to hang out Saturday night when I came home. Well I texted him a couple times saying I was leaving and what not. He has a bad habit of not replying to my texts unless it is in his benefit, and figured he was busy. So get home and try calling him and he ignores it. Like if you're busy doing something else, just let me know so I don't spend my time waiting around. So I tell him that. And he finally says oh I have a flat tire, I'm at Zak's, I can't drive. So whatever no big deal, I decide to go to Kel's instead.

But then as I'm going out to my Dad's shed to grab a beer, I of course see Austin's vehicle parked in his driving. Like honestly, I am just so sick of the lying. So I just say to him, "Its really unnecessary for you to always be lying." And then in normal fashion, he freaks out about how I never believe him, blah, blah, blah, he's not lying. So I explain to him, it takes at least fifteen mins to get from Zaks and in not even ten you are able to drive from there and fix your tire. And his intellectual response, "wow." So I was pissed and got super drunk at Kels's.

Then he texts me saying he still wants to go with the family and I to Grande Praire on Saturday. And I'm just actually sick of trying to explain to him things. I just don't have the energy to deal with it all, if he wants to come, he'll come, if not.. no. And he picks me up from Kels's and drops me off. Thank god for that, because I was in a towel and bikini and likely wouldn't have made it home.

So the next day he does indeed come to G.P. but inevitably makes no mention to the random lying of last night. And honestly, I am still offended by it. Maybe its not the same for him, but personally, I only lie when I feel that I have done something I shouldn't have done. So to me, when he lies, I feel like he is doing something that would hurt me if I knew the truth. I do really like Austin, but then he'll do things like this, or go talk to Lani for an hour while we're hanging out, and I just halt my feelings.

Since Austin and I have had ... this relationship... I have never felt worse. I feel myself being engulfed in depression. I think it is the turmoil that I have been playing with my emotions. One day I really like him and think I may actually be falling for him, and then he'll ignore me for two days and I think what the fuck. I never ever felt this bad with even Mikey. Mikey would be really mean to me, but then I still knew he cared for me. He could do those terrible things but at least I had no doubt of his feelings for me. I would rather have the odd anger, then have no idea how Austin truly feels.

Austin always says things like you make me feel so good, you make me smile, I think I'm falling for you. They are all such bullshit to me. I would rather see him make an effort then fill my head with lies. I feel like I am there to just pass the time for him. But maybe that's all I want too. I mean, I am leaving for school soon. I will meet a million more people that I will be more compatible with. And maybe Austin acts the way he does, due to me rejecting all his attempts at making things official. But I'm waiting for him to change before I'm ready to actually commit. I just wish I could fast forward these next couple months and get everything over with right now.

Maybe I should move to Edmonton this summer. This last about month and a half, I have been more sad then ever. I think I need to get out of this town, there's so much more out there then the compressing perimeters of this town.

I don't want this anymore.

Sorry I haven't wrote it a while, but I'm not going to update you on what has happened just what is happening right now. I have never felt worse than I do right now. Austin makes me feel like absolute shit ever single moment of the day. But I'm so sick of being alone and so desperate that I would rather take it than say something to him. Today we read about two different women: one who was ruthless with her words and never let anyone push her around, the other (which unfortunately is the type of person I represent) never said anything and let people treat her like shit and of course blushed at everything. This was in the book the Bean Trees. I have come to the realization that I will do anything to be unnoticed, even if that puts my life and my feelings at stake.

Like for example that god damned rented movie. I didn't want to make a huge deal out of it and annoy everyone, so it wasn't returned for 8 days. And who of course paid the late fee? Me. God forbid anyone realize that I shouldn't of had to pay that. But maybe I should have, I'm so insecure, I'll never stand up to anyone. You think that would have taught me a lesson.

So back to Austin... A couple of nights ago he stays the night. I spent an hour bawling before he came simply because I feel like I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. And he does nothing but reinforce that feeling. So he shows up after hours of not returning my texts and with no warning. And we hang out and its not totally terrible, until Noelani calls. He spends forty five fucking minutes locked in the bathroom talking to her - on our special night. I was absolutely livid. When he finally comes out, I do complain to him and his response is Evangelina is sick. And I have to take his word on it because I have no other way of knowing otherwise.

The only time we even talk is when I talk to him first. He shows no interest in me, unless it is benefitting him. Put simply: he's just not into me. And if he really is, and this is the way he treats me, why in the fuck am I into him? I am so desperate for companionship, that I put up with it. Like guys never want anything from me but that hour of pleasure. And after that nothing more. Is my personality honestly that undesirable? No one has shown any interest in actually being with me since Mikey. Which is two and a half years ago. God I hate myself. Since even seeing Austin, I have felt so much worse, why can't I end it. I get on the topic of it and always seem to be too shy to say the words I actually feel. Maybe this is why nobody wants me.

And how stupid was I to even go for him at all. Like obviously he is only seeing me to make Noelani jealous. Why would he even go for me in the first place? It had been over a year since I had even had a real conversation with me, he didn't even know me. And when we first started talking thats when he was sweet. And now that he has gotten to reknow me, he is a total asshole. Fuck I am so so so stupid for falling for this shit. Fuck fuck fuck. And since Lani found out about me, he has been a bigger asshole. He got exactly what he wanted. I'm so sick and tired of being this girl; the girl guys use to make their ex's or current gfs mad. Why can't I be the girlfriend or the ex. Why am I never good enough.

Honestly, I don't even think I should see him at all anymore. I have never felt worse about myself.

So after my last post, I can greatfully say I have calmed down. But things did get worse before they could get better. So yesterday me and zane went and got woo from GP and she had a party for Jordie's 17th. But originally me Ty and Austin were going to go and retrieve woo from gp and see a movie and go for dinner. Ty wasn't allowed blah blah blah. But I wanted to do that so I didn't tell Austin I was mad at him. So then I go to woo's party and I'm still pissed. And everyone starts telling me that Taylor asked Austin to prom. So I was super fucking mad. And then I got railed and didn't talk to him the entire night.

So he said he didn't and its just Taylor being a dumb slut. I think I believe him because she's a dumb c word and totally would say something like that to piss me off. I'm not really in a blogging mood... Peace out A town

So today is fucking great!

So my day started off with me and Austin going out for breakfast and A & W. We talked about like what we are and I think he had the intentions of making things more official. But I explained to him that I didn't feel the need to define what we are. We came to a mutual agreement that we wouldn't see other people and just take each day as it comes. So good and done or so I thought! He tells me at breaky that Lani called him at five in the morning and she's such a bitch blah blah blah. He claims he's so sick of her and shit.

So my day goes on and I don't think much about any of this, because she often calls him and he says this same thing. Austin goes back to Whitecourt for the entire day but makes no contact with me whatsoever. Zane texts me and is all did Austin tell you about him and Lani's chat. Then says he was crying and they kept saying I love you and shit. So I get super mad and then he's like it wasn't all get back together kinda stuff. He now is saying he was telling her he fucked her over. But if he's still crying over it, obviously he's not moved on. He always says if he sees that Jesse guy, he'd kick his ass. Doesn't really sound like what I'd say about someone I was supposedly over!

At about six I go and workout and finally text him. He gives me super short, lame, vague answer replies and quits replying. At like almost 7 he says he's leaving whitecourt and then no word from him again. I had little dizzy/disoriented whatever thingy from like 8:30 to ten. And when I woke up I text him again. Then Zane calls and says he wants to watch a movie. So we tell Austin and he says he's at Sharks and will pop over in a bit. So Zane wants to go cruising first and Sharks isn't even open! His vehicle is no where to be found. And then after about an hour he calls and says he's at the house so we go back. He is completely shitfaced and stoned. Great joy. So I'm pissed but wasnt alone and couldn't talk to him.

And then Simone comes in and we all start chatting, me her Austin Zane. And Aus starts talking about Vern blah blah blah and he told Vern that he never wants to have a relationship again. And like all our jaws drop. And Simone pipes up and says don't be retarded, how could you say that, you're so rude! And Austin is like I'm serious, I'm being truthful I don't. So what the fuck?!?!?! He basically just said that whatever we even have he wants it to end or it will never go any farther than what it is. So basically we're just fucking. I'm so sick of this. Like I can make guys want me but I can't make them want a relationship or anything real. I just hate how it is here; I refuse to believe that every guy is like this. I can't wait to move away. Like honestly every guy I've slept with or wheeled since Mikey only wants something physical. I can't believe he said that to my face in front of his family. I'm such a fool. What am I thinking? Like I am so embarassed.... He's my ex best friends baby daddy and I go for him based upon simple flattery. God I'm stupid.

And you'd think this would be the worst part of the night... but it gets worse. He doesn't even know what he said is offensive or rude and just wants to cuddle up and watch "The Orphan". And I wasn't totally rejecting him but I sure hope he could feel tension. So then he perks up and says I need to go get Ty, I'll be back super soon. Then he goes and completely changes into much nicer clothes. Yeah to go get Ty? Fuck. And then never comes back; no text or call or anything. So if he wanted to party with his guy friends and he just told me that I could give a fuck less. But like I wonder what is going on that he finds it so necessary to lie about everything. Like where the eff was he when he was "At Sharks" and where did he go afterwards. I'm just really feeling like I'm done. God, its so embarassing. Oh and ps I totally waited to sleep with him. And like made him promise that it had to actually be something. And that I didnt just want to be fucking him. So yay that lasted long. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Whats been a happening!

So exams are coming up, kill me! I am not prepared for any of them. Tomorrow and Saturday are dedicated to studying. Hoping I pass chem... and never have to touch it again!

Still have these god damn gallstones. Ate fries today with minimal pain. Wonder if these ever spontaneously go away? Well shouldn't test it cause I do need to be in tip top shape for the Death Race anyways. Gonna start the training tomorrow, I know that'll be brutes. I think I'm gonna pretty much quit drinking... like only for special occasions. Can't say the same about the other stuff; don't really think it has such a bad effect on running?

So on to the fun stuff! Boy stuff! Seeing Austin which is deece. Still unsure though... Like he's my ex-bestfriends baby daddy. How fucked is that!?! But I do really like him as a person though, it'd be way better if there wasn't all that baggage. But you can't help the way you feel, can you? He says he's gonna ask me something tomorrow... If he does ask me out I'm going to say no. Thats too much for me. Like we can see each other and eventually one day we will realize we're dating and be like wow that was easy. Or someone will ask and then we'll just know. Cuz right now, I sure as hell don't. I hope he doesn't ask cause he seems like the guy who will get all sad about it if I say no. But on the other hand that would likely be better than some awkward bad type question!

Well I think Imma hit the hay so nighty night!

New Years Resolutions for 2010

1. Follow resolutions conclusively.
2. Stay under 140 lbs. Starting immediately. Weight today: 139.5.
3. Stop eating so much fast food. I'm always so sick because of how badly I eat.
4. Sleep more. Shoot for 8 hours minimum! This means going to bed before midnight on school days (omg!).
5. Train for and complete the 19 km leg in the Death Race.
6. Read more books.
7. Drink less.
8. Don't sleep around. Make a decision on whether it is in YOUR best interest to sleep with that person. When starting to see someone, wait before doing the deed. Always use protection and be safe.
9. Be sure to graduate.
10. Keep in touch with important friends.
11. When I make a commitment, keep it.
12. Don't prioritize friends over one another. They're all equal. Never let a guy come between friends.
13. Be less of a bitch. Keep radical opinions and judgements to self.

Just finished reading Sarah's and Morgan's old blogs. Pretty sure this a sweet and awesome way to remember what happens in my life. Still unsure if I am going to share this with anyone. Can't wait to start blogging away! :) :)